well, well, well

So, today was absolutely beautiful. Not a cloud in the sky, a cool breeze in the air and I was FINALLY able to put on my flip-flops! Flip-flops are my absolute most favorite accessory!!  It was perfect. Until about 1:45 this afternoon.....

J is a high school baseball coach & they rarely have saturday games, so we rounded up all of our friends for an afternoon of sunshine and fun. It was going to be a great day!  Two different couples came (both got married in fall of 2010, so they're new at this).  Anyway, one of the girls (who was the last of ALL of our friends to get married- not even 6 months ago) announces to me that she's preggers. I'm as happy as I can be for her & her hub, but I wish it was me. It took every effort I had to put on my big happy face and tell her how happy I was for them.  And I truly am. They'll make great parents. I love them both. ....I just wish it was ME.

So now I'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself (I'm about 2.5 glasses of wine into my evening, so bare with me). I decided that from here on out, I'm turning off my Give-A-Shit-er. I don't want to think about this whole process anymore. I'm making myself crazy!  I have a new outlook (at least right now) on everything. I have zero control of my uterus. I'm just going to take my damn clomid like a big girl & hope for the best. That's it. No more negativity from me, I promise. It's a new cycle and new eggs & sperm. In the mean time, I'm going to finish my wine and eat a cheeseburger. So there, uterus.

Round 3

Today starts the beginning of yet ANOTHER cycle. I'm doing better today, but I'm still bummed. J is being so sweet about it all.  I'm going to call my OB today to see if we can go ahead & do an SA on him. Since I've been preggers before, she didn't seem to think that he's the problem. I kind of want to find out for sure before we start BD for this cycle, though. I just want to know what we're really working with, ya know? Hopefully, she'll agree.

I don't know that I want to try anything different this cycle. We've just been using clomid, OPK's, and Pre-Seed. The only other thing I would/should change is my love of coffee. I usually just have one cup in the mornings. I've researched and everywhere I look, it says that one cup won't effect fertility. So, I feel OK with continuing that. I don't know. I have a pretty healthy diet, I don't smoke, drink very rarely, I'm not over-weight, and I have been trying to exercise more lately. What's the problem???  UGH.

God, if you're listening....I'm ready for my turn! I promise that I won't let you down and I will do everything I can to be the best mommy in the whole world..... 

I just want to cry :(

It's really hard to stay positive and frankly, I'm getting sick of this waiting game. I think we're on deck for yet another month of infertility. This will make 31 months total. 31! I have a feeling that AF is coming any day now and I'm so sad. I'm fatigued, bloated, my lower back is achey, and I'm cramping. Shit. This sucks.

I'm sitting here at work and I feel like I could cry.  What the hell is wrong with me? Why is God punishing me? Sweet J is the king of optimism and I love him for it. It just kills me to not be that way, for his sake. I'm just SO SICK of being let down every damn month. I'm starting to lose hope.

Im just having a bad day.  I'll suck it up and move forward. I always do.  But right now, I just need a good, hard cry.

Progesterone Results!!

15.5! 

I ovulated!  So now I just have to wait 5 more days until I can take a test....  I can do it. I can do it...

Also, I made an appointment today with an RE for March 31. By then I should have completed my 3rd & final cycle using clomid. My OB told me that after 3 cycles, if I don't get pregnant, she will refer me out anyway. So, I wanted to make sure I had an appointment set, in case he wanted to do any bloodwork for CD3 (I will likely get AF on march 28, if I'm not preggers by then).

So far, I'm impressed with the practice. The woman who scheduled me was very thorough & patient with me. She had me download the new patient packet & it's a freaking novel! J has to fill out his whole medical history too. The RE that I'm seeing saw my friend/co-worker & helped her get pregnant with her daughter (she's 13 months old now). My friend HIGHLY recommends him & said he was very straight forward. That works for me! Let's just hope that I don't have to go see him & I get pregnant before that appointment!!! 

Hopefully, this next 5 days will  go by fast....I hate this part.

Cry Baby

That's me!  I just got done watching "One born every minute" on Lifetime. Thank GOD I am alone this afternoon!  I was literally sitting on my couch and sobbing! I get so emotional when I watch anything about babies being born. I can't for for our chance to experience bringing our child into the world. The episode I watched that brought me to tears was the one with a teen mom as a story. I'm not faulting her for being a teen mom, but I'm super envious. I mean, there's so many women out there who, like myself, want a child more than anything and are ready for all the responsibilities that come with being a mom. It's just really tough to see young girls, who are babies themselves, popping out kids when they aren't even sure if they're ready. I don't get it. Why can't I have my chance?  I know its not up to me, though. It's up to God and his will for my life. All I can do is pray and wait my turn. Sigh.....

Problem solved

OK, so after feeling like a total loser yesterday for making my J feel like crap, we were able to come to a resolution to the mattress issue. We had to spend a little bit more $$$, but the mattress store was able to waive our purchase agreement and exchanged our mattress for a new one. YAY :)  We'll be getting it tomorrow evening and J is super excited. This one is a brick, just like he needs, so hopefully, there will be zero complaining from him for a while :)

Other than that, there's not too much going on.  I'm hoping to get a few hours to myself tonight, since J wants to attempt to go play tennis with a neighbor. He has his first match ever tomorrow morning & he wants to get "warmed up". I hope his back lets him play!  He's a very competitive guy & I'd hate for him to have to forfeit because of his back.

I recently signed up for dance classes, so I'll be doing a Zumba class (LOVE IT!) and a hip hop class tomorrow morning. I made a pledge to myself that I would start doing more things that are just for me, so I picked dance classes, for now. I feels so good to get back into it! After dancing for so many years (13 to be exact), it's in my blood & I didn't realize how much I missed it, until now.

Besides, I HAVE to keep myself busy during this TWW. I can't stand waiting around & counting down the days. I told myself that for this cycle, I'm not going to over analyze anything that is or isn't happening with my body. Especially with me taking clomid. Apparently, it can mimic symptoms of pregnancy, so I'm not going to read into anything, until I take a test. OH! I almost forgot!  I'm getting my CD 21 progesterone tested today, but I probably won't have the results of that until Tuesday of next week.  I'm hoping & praying for a good number & that I ovulated :)  I'll keep ya posted!

I'm a big meanie

I hurt J's feelings this morning and I feel terrible for it.  I didn't mean to. I'm just brutally honest and once I get going, I somehow get diarrhea of the mouth.  It's not my best quality.

Here's the short version of what happened:

We bought our mattress 4 months ago.  Well, with the purchase agreement (all $1500 worth), we had 99 days to change our mind. On day 98, J stood firm in his decision to keep it. Knowing he has a bad back, I kept my uncertainty to myself, because I want him to step up in the decision making aspect of our marriage. So, I left it completely up to him, since he's the one with back issues. I made him promise that once we passed the deadline, I didn't want to hear how his back hurts EVERY morning for the next 5 years. He agreed.

So the first words out of J's mouth this morning were "I think we need to get a new bed" (he's been in pain for the past 4 days). Let me tell you- I flipped my shit. Not because of the bed itself, but because it's just one more example of how he has a VERY difficult time with decision making. He second guesses himself and he's very concerned with what other people think.

When he got his new car, he questioned if it was the best car for him. When he bought my engagement ring (which is gorgeous), he compared it to other women's rings for AT LEAST a year & wondered if he got the best deal. He just got a tattoo & he literally stood in the mirror for 20 mins looking for flaws. It seems like he looks for flaws in EVERYTHING. Who does that?? DRIVES ME INSANE. It's ridiculous!  I ask him all the time if he questions his decision to marry me & that he'll probably want to trade me in for a better model someday. I also told him that when our baby comes, he's probably going to want to send it back, because he/she won't be exactly what he was hoping for. I just wish that he could be happy and confident in his decisions. It's such a turn off to me.

I unloaded my thoughts on how I think he needs to be more confident and be the man in our marriage. Yep- I was a bitch. And I feel awful. Because I'm not a bitch and I hurt him- bad. I've apologized and I think we've worked it out, but I still feel 2 inches tall. I don't know how to show him that his constant discontent makes me feel frustrated without hurting him. 

I'm really going to try to work on biting my tongue.  It's so hard, though, when I feel SO strongly on an issue. I'm not the type to keep my mouth shut & shove things under the rug. I come at it head on.

I think I'm done venting. I'm going to go hide under my rock now.

Perspective

I woke up today in a pretty good mood.  Valentine's Day dinner (we re-named it to First Date Day) was excellent. We went to this little family owned Italian place around the corner from our house. We pigged out & drank a bottle of delicious wine. And we talked.  I looked around the restaurant and saw a few older couples sitting there not talking. I hope J & I never get like that.  It seemed so pointless for them to even be out. Just sitting there. Staring at each other. And chewing. Blah. Poor J's back went out yesterday (he has two ruptured disks & it flares up every once in a while), so there was no baby-makin last night :(
It's OK, though, because I think we covered our bases for this month. If not, we'll get to have fun trying again next month. Only 13 more days until I take a test!  Can't wait!

Today is a co-worker's birthday.  Though, I'm not close with this woman at all, I feel sorry for her today. Not because she's another year older, but because she got a call a little while ago that her mother had a stroke and had to be put in a drug-induced coma. And she's in another state, so my co-worker can't even be by her side.  I just feel so sad for her & her family.  I have lost a parent myself & I understand that pain...that's the kind of pain I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy (not that I have any. I don't think!) I am praying for her...I hope she pulls through.  When things like this happen to people, it makes you realize how insignificant some things really are. Then you just feel stupid for getting upset at someone who cut you off in traffic, or getting mad at your hubby/wife for not taking out the trash. I mean, in the grand scheme of things, none of those things really matter. What matters is that you love & are loved back. That's it.

OK...here goes....

I wanted a place to talk about stuff that's on my mind without feeling like I'm being judged, or wondreing if anyone gets it.  I have lots of thoughts about marriage, friendships, fertility (or the lack of), and just life in general. My hubby, J gets frustrated because he says I'm always thinking & worrying. So, instead of bugging him with all my craziness, I'll quietly put those thoughts/ideas here. I want (need) a place to call my very own.   

I am in my early 30's and I've been married for nearly 3 years, and we've been together for 5. Valentine's Day (today) was our very first date, so that's the ONLY reason I recognize this stupid (yeah, I said it) holiday. Hubby and I do everything, it seems, on important dates....1st date- Valentine's Day; day he proposed- April Fool's Day (fitting, I know); wedding anniversary- Flag Day. We're just cooky like that, I guess. 

Everyone tells you that the first year of marriage is the hardest, & TRUST ME-IT'S TRUE!  We were actually considering divorce 3 months after our most blissful day. Of course, when two very independent people live in a 500 sq. ft. box, they're bound to drive each other nutso. Believe me, that was not our choice, but because he owned the place when we got together, we had to stick it out. We did that for 3.5 years!  It was HELL. But we survived and are now proud renter's of a 3BR, 2.5BA home. Yes, we are renters. We were also finally able to rent out the box we were suffering in.  We're in a good place (for a few years, at least). We're also in a great place in our marriage. We're growing as individuals and as a couple. He's my rock & I'd be lost without him.

We want babies. BAD. Unfortunately, I'm not exactly Mrs. Fertile Myrtle. It's been a tough road, but we are getting there. I found out I was pregnant in December of 2008, but it turned out to be a "chemical pregnancy" (the egg was fertilized, but didn't implant). Then in March, 2009, I found out I was pregnant again.  I was scared and was not excited AT ALL. Mostly because at that time, there seemed to be no way out of our crappy living arrangements, and I had zero space for a baby. I FREAKED. Looking back, I feel so guilty for not being happy and excited. The pregnancy ended up being an ectopic (it was in my left ovary) and I had to get 2 rounds of methotrexate to terminate the pregnancy. That was the hardest thing I think I have ever gone through. I felt awful for having to kill my baby, even though I knew it wasn't viable. All sorts of "what-if's" go through your mind. I questioned if maybe, just maybe, the doctor was wrong?! I don't believe in abortion, and the whole process went against that belief. I knew that it was for my own safety, though. The biggest struggle I've had with it is wondering WHY. Why did my body not work correctly? Was it something I did to cause it? Am I to blame?  I felt like a failure. It's something I'm still dealing with, but it's getting easier.

Fast forward to almost 2 years later & I learned that I don't ovulate correctly, if at all. After talking to my Dr., we decided to try clomid. I have done 2 rounds and I'm currently in my 2nd TWW on this drug. The clomid is working, but we just have to get the timing right....so far I think we're doing ok, but I won't know for sure until the end of this month...I'll keep ya posted on the outcome, for sure!

So, I hope that you enjoy learning about our crazy lives!