waiting (again)

So, here I am again.  Waiting to O. 

I went to my day 12 appointment on Tuesday & they did an ultrasound & more bloodwork. I have 1 maturing follicle in my right ovary that was 19mm (that's almost 2 centimeters!) & my lining was 8mm.  They said everything looks great & I'm responding really well to the clomid. My nurse said I'll get my surge when the follicle is around 25mm. They grow about 2mm per day, so it should be big enough by Friday & I should get a positive on my OPK (a smiley face, since I use digital ones).

Once I get the smiley face, I have to call & they'll schedule the IUI for the following day. But, if I haven't gotten a positive by Saturday morning, to call them & they'll give me a "trigger" shot (HCG- 10,000iu) to force my egg out of the follicle. Then the next day, I'll get turkey basted. So, the absolute latest I'll get the IUI will be Sunday!

Once I get the IUI, I have to go in seven days later to check my progesterone levels, then seven days after that, i get to take a pregnancy test!  It's making me nervous though, because we will be in St. Pete for a wedding, the weekend I should be taking the pregnancy test. Maybe I can find a walk-in clinic down there that will do a blood test for me. Or maybe I should just try to relax while I'm at the beach & deal with it all on Monday when we return.

I feel like it's happening very fast & I'm excited, hopeful & scared all at the same time. I know that the IUI is NOT a guarantee, but it definitely gives me a better chance of getting our baby. J fessed up last night that he's embarrassed by us doing the IUI. He thinks it's affecting his manhood & he "can't get the job done". I've only told my closest girlfriends, but he hasn't told ANYONE except his parents. I feel bad for him, but I reminded him that that's how I've been feeling for 2 years. I think he finally understands. It makes me sad that he's feeling so bad about this. I told him that yes, it sucks, but it doesn't mean that we can't make the most of it. I want the conception of our child to be a positive and happy event. Not one that we are dreading and feel lousy about.

Counting down

Today, I'm on CD 27/9 dpo. I COULD get AF anytime between tomorrow or Monday. I don't feel PMS-y, but who knows. The only possible symptom is my skin's breaking out, but that's 90% of the time during all my cycles. I have the complexion of a 15 year old girl (another topic for another time). My cycles have been so different since taking clomid these past couple of cycles, so I'm just going with the flow (literally! Ha ha) 

Anyway, I'm not going to POAS until Sunday. I can't take seeing another negative. Poor J. I don't think he quite understands how this all works. He asked me last night if I was pregnant (I wanted a glass of wine). I was like- "um, don't you think I'd tell you, if I was? And do you honestly think I'd be drinking?" Silly man.

I'm getting my haircut on Saturday! Just a trim, really, but I LOVE going to the salon & getting pampered. I've been trying to let my hair grow, so I haven't been since December. Needless to say, it's looking pretty rough!  I went brown (i'm pretty sure that's my natural color) back in december, so it's definitely healthier than it has been in a long time. I've been blond my entire life, but I figured if I'm going to try to get preggers, I don't want to have to worry about putting chemicals on my head & damaging a fetus. Plus, it's expensive to maintain blonde!

I'll (hopefully) be back with great news on Monday!

Round 3

Today starts the beginning of yet ANOTHER cycle. I'm doing better today, but I'm still bummed. J is being so sweet about it all.  I'm going to call my OB today to see if we can go ahead & do an SA on him. Since I've been preggers before, she didn't seem to think that he's the problem. I kind of want to find out for sure before we start BD for this cycle, though. I just want to know what we're really working with, ya know? Hopefully, she'll agree.

I don't know that I want to try anything different this cycle. We've just been using clomid, OPK's, and Pre-Seed. The only other thing I would/should change is my love of coffee. I usually just have one cup in the mornings. I've researched and everywhere I look, it says that one cup won't effect fertility. So, I feel OK with continuing that. I don't know. I have a pretty healthy diet, I don't smoke, drink very rarely, I'm not over-weight, and I have been trying to exercise more lately. What's the problem???  UGH.

God, if you're listening....I'm ready for my turn! I promise that I won't let you down and I will do everything I can to be the best mommy in the whole world..... 

Progesterone Results!!

15.5! 

I ovulated!  So now I just have to wait 5 more days until I can take a test....  I can do it. I can do it...

Also, I made an appointment today with an RE for March 31. By then I should have completed my 3rd & final cycle using clomid. My OB told me that after 3 cycles, if I don't get pregnant, she will refer me out anyway. So, I wanted to make sure I had an appointment set, in case he wanted to do any bloodwork for CD3 (I will likely get AF on march 28, if I'm not preggers by then).

So far, I'm impressed with the practice. The woman who scheduled me was very thorough & patient with me. She had me download the new patient packet & it's a freaking novel! J has to fill out his whole medical history too. The RE that I'm seeing saw my friend/co-worker & helped her get pregnant with her daughter (she's 13 months old now). My friend HIGHLY recommends him & said he was very straight forward. That works for me! Let's just hope that I don't have to go see him & I get pregnant before that appointment!!! 

Hopefully, this next 5 days will  go by fast....I hate this part.

Problem solved

OK, so after feeling like a total loser yesterday for making my J feel like crap, we were able to come to a resolution to the mattress issue. We had to spend a little bit more $$$, but the mattress store was able to waive our purchase agreement and exchanged our mattress for a new one. YAY :)  We'll be getting it tomorrow evening and J is super excited. This one is a brick, just like he needs, so hopefully, there will be zero complaining from him for a while :)

Other than that, there's not too much going on.  I'm hoping to get a few hours to myself tonight, since J wants to attempt to go play tennis with a neighbor. He has his first match ever tomorrow morning & he wants to get "warmed up". I hope his back lets him play!  He's a very competitive guy & I'd hate for him to have to forfeit because of his back.

I recently signed up for dance classes, so I'll be doing a Zumba class (LOVE IT!) and a hip hop class tomorrow morning. I made a pledge to myself that I would start doing more things that are just for me, so I picked dance classes, for now. I feels so good to get back into it! After dancing for so many years (13 to be exact), it's in my blood & I didn't realize how much I missed it, until now.

Besides, I HAVE to keep myself busy during this TWW. I can't stand waiting around & counting down the days. I told myself that for this cycle, I'm not going to over analyze anything that is or isn't happening with my body. Especially with me taking clomid. Apparently, it can mimic symptoms of pregnancy, so I'm not going to read into anything, until I take a test. OH! I almost forgot!  I'm getting my CD 21 progesterone tested today, but I probably won't have the results of that until Tuesday of next week.  I'm hoping & praying for a good number & that I ovulated :)  I'll keep ya posted!

OK...here goes....

I wanted a place to talk about stuff that's on my mind without feeling like I'm being judged, or wondreing if anyone gets it.  I have lots of thoughts about marriage, friendships, fertility (or the lack of), and just life in general. My hubby, J gets frustrated because he says I'm always thinking & worrying. So, instead of bugging him with all my craziness, I'll quietly put those thoughts/ideas here. I want (need) a place to call my very own.   

I am in my early 30's and I've been married for nearly 3 years, and we've been together for 5. Valentine's Day (today) was our very first date, so that's the ONLY reason I recognize this stupid (yeah, I said it) holiday. Hubby and I do everything, it seems, on important dates....1st date- Valentine's Day; day he proposed- April Fool's Day (fitting, I know); wedding anniversary- Flag Day. We're just cooky like that, I guess. 

Everyone tells you that the first year of marriage is the hardest, & TRUST ME-IT'S TRUE!  We were actually considering divorce 3 months after our most blissful day. Of course, when two very independent people live in a 500 sq. ft. box, they're bound to drive each other nutso. Believe me, that was not our choice, but because he owned the place when we got together, we had to stick it out. We did that for 3.5 years!  It was HELL. But we survived and are now proud renter's of a 3BR, 2.5BA home. Yes, we are renters. We were also finally able to rent out the box we were suffering in.  We're in a good place (for a few years, at least). We're also in a great place in our marriage. We're growing as individuals and as a couple. He's my rock & I'd be lost without him.

We want babies. BAD. Unfortunately, I'm not exactly Mrs. Fertile Myrtle. It's been a tough road, but we are getting there. I found out I was pregnant in December of 2008, but it turned out to be a "chemical pregnancy" (the egg was fertilized, but didn't implant). Then in March, 2009, I found out I was pregnant again.  I was scared and was not excited AT ALL. Mostly because at that time, there seemed to be no way out of our crappy living arrangements, and I had zero space for a baby. I FREAKED. Looking back, I feel so guilty for not being happy and excited. The pregnancy ended up being an ectopic (it was in my left ovary) and I had to get 2 rounds of methotrexate to terminate the pregnancy. That was the hardest thing I think I have ever gone through. I felt awful for having to kill my baby, even though I knew it wasn't viable. All sorts of "what-if's" go through your mind. I questioned if maybe, just maybe, the doctor was wrong?! I don't believe in abortion, and the whole process went against that belief. I knew that it was for my own safety, though. The biggest struggle I've had with it is wondering WHY. Why did my body not work correctly? Was it something I did to cause it? Am I to blame?  I felt like a failure. It's something I'm still dealing with, but it's getting easier.

Fast forward to almost 2 years later & I learned that I don't ovulate correctly, if at all. After talking to my Dr., we decided to try clomid. I have done 2 rounds and I'm currently in my 2nd TWW on this drug. The clomid is working, but we just have to get the timing right....so far I think we're doing ok, but I won't know for sure until the end of this month...I'll keep ya posted on the outcome, for sure!

So, I hope that you enjoy learning about our crazy lives!