I'm a big meanie

I hurt J's feelings this morning and I feel terrible for it.  I didn't mean to. I'm just brutally honest and once I get going, I somehow get diarrhea of the mouth.  It's not my best quality.

Here's the short version of what happened:

We bought our mattress 4 months ago.  Well, with the purchase agreement (all $1500 worth), we had 99 days to change our mind. On day 98, J stood firm in his decision to keep it. Knowing he has a bad back, I kept my uncertainty to myself, because I want him to step up in the decision making aspect of our marriage. So, I left it completely up to him, since he's the one with back issues. I made him promise that once we passed the deadline, I didn't want to hear how his back hurts EVERY morning for the next 5 years. He agreed.

So the first words out of J's mouth this morning were "I think we need to get a new bed" (he's been in pain for the past 4 days). Let me tell you- I flipped my shit. Not because of the bed itself, but because it's just one more example of how he has a VERY difficult time with decision making. He second guesses himself and he's very concerned with what other people think.

When he got his new car, he questioned if it was the best car for him. When he bought my engagement ring (which is gorgeous), he compared it to other women's rings for AT LEAST a year & wondered if he got the best deal. He just got a tattoo & he literally stood in the mirror for 20 mins looking for flaws. It seems like he looks for flaws in EVERYTHING. Who does that?? DRIVES ME INSANE. It's ridiculous!  I ask him all the time if he questions his decision to marry me & that he'll probably want to trade me in for a better model someday. I also told him that when our baby comes, he's probably going to want to send it back, because he/she won't be exactly what he was hoping for. I just wish that he could be happy and confident in his decisions. It's such a turn off to me.

I unloaded my thoughts on how I think he needs to be more confident and be the man in our marriage. Yep- I was a bitch. And I feel awful. Because I'm not a bitch and I hurt him- bad. I've apologized and I think we've worked it out, but I still feel 2 inches tall. I don't know how to show him that his constant discontent makes me feel frustrated without hurting him. 

I'm really going to try to work on biting my tongue.  It's so hard, though, when I feel SO strongly on an issue. I'm not the type to keep my mouth shut & shove things under the rug. I come at it head on.

I think I'm done venting. I'm going to go hide under my rock now.

Perspective

I woke up today in a pretty good mood.  Valentine's Day dinner (we re-named it to First Date Day) was excellent. We went to this little family owned Italian place around the corner from our house. We pigged out & drank a bottle of delicious wine. And we talked.  I looked around the restaurant and saw a few older couples sitting there not talking. I hope J & I never get like that.  It seemed so pointless for them to even be out. Just sitting there. Staring at each other. And chewing. Blah. Poor J's back went out yesterday (he has two ruptured disks & it flares up every once in a while), so there was no baby-makin last night :(
It's OK, though, because I think we covered our bases for this month. If not, we'll get to have fun trying again next month. Only 13 more days until I take a test!  Can't wait!

Today is a co-worker's birthday.  Though, I'm not close with this woman at all, I feel sorry for her today. Not because she's another year older, but because she got a call a little while ago that her mother had a stroke and had to be put in a drug-induced coma. And she's in another state, so my co-worker can't even be by her side.  I just feel so sad for her & her family.  I have lost a parent myself & I understand that pain...that's the kind of pain I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy (not that I have any. I don't think!) I am praying for her...I hope she pulls through.  When things like this happen to people, it makes you realize how insignificant some things really are. Then you just feel stupid for getting upset at someone who cut you off in traffic, or getting mad at your hubby/wife for not taking out the trash. I mean, in the grand scheme of things, none of those things really matter. What matters is that you love & are loved back. That's it.

OK...here goes....

I wanted a place to talk about stuff that's on my mind without feeling like I'm being judged, or wondreing if anyone gets it.  I have lots of thoughts about marriage, friendships, fertility (or the lack of), and just life in general. My hubby, J gets frustrated because he says I'm always thinking & worrying. So, instead of bugging him with all my craziness, I'll quietly put those thoughts/ideas here. I want (need) a place to call my very own.   

I am in my early 30's and I've been married for nearly 3 years, and we've been together for 5. Valentine's Day (today) was our very first date, so that's the ONLY reason I recognize this stupid (yeah, I said it) holiday. Hubby and I do everything, it seems, on important dates....1st date- Valentine's Day; day he proposed- April Fool's Day (fitting, I know); wedding anniversary- Flag Day. We're just cooky like that, I guess. 

Everyone tells you that the first year of marriage is the hardest, & TRUST ME-IT'S TRUE!  We were actually considering divorce 3 months after our most blissful day. Of course, when two very independent people live in a 500 sq. ft. box, they're bound to drive each other nutso. Believe me, that was not our choice, but because he owned the place when we got together, we had to stick it out. We did that for 3.5 years!  It was HELL. But we survived and are now proud renter's of a 3BR, 2.5BA home. Yes, we are renters. We were also finally able to rent out the box we were suffering in.  We're in a good place (for a few years, at least). We're also in a great place in our marriage. We're growing as individuals and as a couple. He's my rock & I'd be lost without him.

We want babies. BAD. Unfortunately, I'm not exactly Mrs. Fertile Myrtle. It's been a tough road, but we are getting there. I found out I was pregnant in December of 2008, but it turned out to be a "chemical pregnancy" (the egg was fertilized, but didn't implant). Then in March, 2009, I found out I was pregnant again.  I was scared and was not excited AT ALL. Mostly because at that time, there seemed to be no way out of our crappy living arrangements, and I had zero space for a baby. I FREAKED. Looking back, I feel so guilty for not being happy and excited. The pregnancy ended up being an ectopic (it was in my left ovary) and I had to get 2 rounds of methotrexate to terminate the pregnancy. That was the hardest thing I think I have ever gone through. I felt awful for having to kill my baby, even though I knew it wasn't viable. All sorts of "what-if's" go through your mind. I questioned if maybe, just maybe, the doctor was wrong?! I don't believe in abortion, and the whole process went against that belief. I knew that it was for my own safety, though. The biggest struggle I've had with it is wondering WHY. Why did my body not work correctly? Was it something I did to cause it? Am I to blame?  I felt like a failure. It's something I'm still dealing with, but it's getting easier.

Fast forward to almost 2 years later & I learned that I don't ovulate correctly, if at all. After talking to my Dr., we decided to try clomid. I have done 2 rounds and I'm currently in my 2nd TWW on this drug. The clomid is working, but we just have to get the timing right....so far I think we're doing ok, but I won't know for sure until the end of this month...I'll keep ya posted on the outcome, for sure!

So, I hope that you enjoy learning about our crazy lives!