So, things have been just OK for me lately. I've actually been in a funk for the past week or so. I don't know if I'd call it depression, but it certainly doesn't feel good in my head.
I'm sad.
I can't seem to shake it. I don't know if I'm just hormonal or if I truly am in a depression.
I feel empty. Without a true purpose. Lost.
If I'm not meant to have a child, then what is my purpose here?
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Monday, May 9, 2011
Training Starts TODAY
So, I've signed myself up for a 5K on June 11 with my BFF. That's exactly 33 days from today. I'm excited and nervous because I haven't exercised AT ALL since July of last year. I'm going to try to train everyday except Fridays & Sundays. I'm glad that my friend is doing it with me so that she can hold me accountable when I want to quit. I am the queen of excuses, so I'll need her support to keep me in line.... Hopefully, this process will help me shed those nasty 15 lbs I need to lose, too. J and I are going to the beach a couple of weeks after the race, so I'll hopefully feel more confident in my bikini!
Monday, May 2, 2011
It didn't work
Yep.... AF flow came like clockwork this morning.... and honestly, I'm OK. Not great, but OK.
I told myself that if this didn't work, then I would re-direct my energy into being healthy and trying to drop the 15lbs I've gained since we got married. I'm actually looking forward to this! Bikini season has arrived and I'm feeling less than confident. Clomid made me gain some weight (not much, but some), so I'm ready to shed those extra pounds.
I know that J & I gave it 150% of our efforts and there's nothing more we could have done. Our baby will come to us on God's time. I know he has a plan for us and I am truly at peace with that. At least we know that we gave it all we had. The rest is up to Him.
I told myself that if this didn't work, then I would re-direct my energy into being healthy and trying to drop the 15lbs I've gained since we got married. I'm actually looking forward to this! Bikini season has arrived and I'm feeling less than confident. Clomid made me gain some weight (not much, but some), so I'm ready to shed those extra pounds.
I know that J & I gave it 150% of our efforts and there's nothing more we could have done. Our baby will come to us on God's time. I know he has a plan for us and I am truly at peace with that. At least we know that we gave it all we had. The rest is up to Him.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Silly J
He had a softball game last night & went for beers afterward with the guys. When he came home, I could tell he was feeling buzzed from the beer. I was already in bed and he came over to me, laid on top of me and said "do you feel pregnant yet?" I laughed and said, "no, do you?" He doesn't understand that it takes a while for the egg to implant (like 6-12 days). It's cute :) I'm only 5dpiui, so I wouldn't be having any symptoms yet.
I am planning on taking a test on Wednesday and Thursday morning of next week, though. I'll be 10-11 dpiui, so it's possible that a positive might show up on a test. Since we are leaving Thursday morning for St. Pete with his parents, I want to know! I don't want to test while we are away, because if I am, I want J & I to have our time to celebrate alone before his family gets involved. Besides, I'm due to get AF on that Saturday or Sunday when we are still there. So if AF comes, obviously I'll have my answer.
I am looking forward to this trip! I LOVE the beach. I feel so peaceful when I'm there. We are going to J's cousin's wedding. She is going to be a beautiful bride & the wedding should be a good time! Plus, it'll be so nice to see J's Nanny. She's 92 years old and still lights up a room. We all love her so much. The sad part is that this might be the last time J gets to see her. Since she lives in Florida, it's not easy for us to get down there very often. She's just an awesome lady...
I am planning on taking a test on Wednesday and Thursday morning of next week, though. I'll be 10-11 dpiui, so it's possible that a positive might show up on a test. Since we are leaving Thursday morning for St. Pete with his parents, I want to know! I don't want to test while we are away, because if I am, I want J & I to have our time to celebrate alone before his family gets involved. Besides, I'm due to get AF on that Saturday or Sunday when we are still there. So if AF comes, obviously I'll have my answer.
I am looking forward to this trip! I LOVE the beach. I feel so peaceful when I'm there. We are going to J's cousin's wedding. She is going to be a beautiful bride & the wedding should be a good time! Plus, it'll be so nice to see J's Nanny. She's 92 years old and still lights up a room. We all love her so much. The sad part is that this might be the last time J gets to see her. Since she lives in Florida, it's not easy for us to get down there very often. She's just an awesome lady...
Monday, April 18, 2011
It's done!
So, J & I had the best weekend together! The weather was perfect and we got some great quality time in together and I busted out my flip flops. Perfect :) Saturday morning (bright and early at 8am), I had to get my prescription filled for my trigger shot. I was hoping I wouldn't need it, but I never got my smiley face :( By 9:30, I was injected with the shot. My arm hurts, but I didn't have the side effects like I thought I would. I expected to feel pregnant since the shot was HCG and women produce it naturally when they are pregnant. Nothing, though! Thank goodness!
On Sunday, we had to get up early again, so J could get to Dr. K's office by 8am to give his "speciman" for my IUI. We had to wait 2 hours afterward for them to get everything ready for me, so we went and had an AWESOME breakfast at Mimi's Cafe. Then we came back to the office, I hiked my dress up and we did it. Well, we didn't do it. The Dr. did it. J just held my hand. It didn't really hurt, it just felt like a pap smear. No big deal. J is very proud of himself because his count was 81 million and they like the count to be above 5 million. I told him he's superman....I kind of feel the need to feed his ego since he was feeling so insecure about everything.
There was a mobile hanging above the table that I was laying on that had pictures of little baby angels. J and I kind of got quiet for a few minutes and just stared at those angels. We were praying for our baby. Even though we had to go through this impersonal experience, I feel like J and I are closer now than ever.
We spent the rest of Sunday at the park for the Dogwood festival. It's this awesome opportunity for artists to showcase their work and sell their pieces. There must have been at least 200 different artists, so we spent all afternoon there. They also had live bands and street vendors selling "carnival food" (corndogs, nachos, funnel cakes, etc.) We took a time out on our blanket and sprawled out on the lawn, soaked up the sun and people watched. It was such a great day. I'm glad we had a fun day because, if we did concieve, it truley would be on one of the happiest day of our lives :)
On Sunday, we had to get up early again, so J could get to Dr. K's office by 8am to give his "speciman" for my IUI. We had to wait 2 hours afterward for them to get everything ready for me, so we went and had an AWESOME breakfast at Mimi's Cafe. Then we came back to the office, I hiked my dress up and we did it. Well, we didn't do it. The Dr. did it. J just held my hand. It didn't really hurt, it just felt like a pap smear. No big deal. J is very proud of himself because his count was 81 million and they like the count to be above 5 million. I told him he's superman....I kind of feel the need to feed his ego since he was feeling so insecure about everything.
There was a mobile hanging above the table that I was laying on that had pictures of little baby angels. J and I kind of got quiet for a few minutes and just stared at those angels. We were praying for our baby. Even though we had to go through this impersonal experience, I feel like J and I are closer now than ever.
We spent the rest of Sunday at the park for the Dogwood festival. It's this awesome opportunity for artists to showcase their work and sell their pieces. There must have been at least 200 different artists, so we spent all afternoon there. They also had live bands and street vendors selling "carnival food" (corndogs, nachos, funnel cakes, etc.) We took a time out on our blanket and sprawled out on the lawn, soaked up the sun and people watched. It was such a great day. I'm glad we had a fun day because, if we did concieve, it truley would be on one of the happiest day of our lives :)
Thursday, April 14, 2011
waiting (again)
So, here I am again. Waiting to O.
I went to my day 12 appointment on Tuesday & they did an ultrasound & more bloodwork. I have 1 maturing follicle in my right ovary that was 19mm (that's almost 2 centimeters!) & my lining was 8mm. They said everything looks great & I'm responding really well to the clomid. My nurse said I'll get my surge when the follicle is around 25mm. They grow about 2mm per day, so it should be big enough by Friday & I should get a positive on my OPK (a smiley face, since I use digital ones).
Once I get the smiley face, I have to call & they'll schedule the IUI for the following day. But, if I haven't gotten a positive by Saturday morning, to call them & they'll give me a "trigger" shot (HCG- 10,000iu) to force my egg out of the follicle. Then the next day, I'll get turkey basted. So, the absolute latest I'll get the IUI will be Sunday!
Once I get the IUI, I have to go in seven days later to check my progesterone levels, then seven days after that, i get to take a pregnancy test! It's making me nervous though, because we will be in St. Pete for a wedding, the weekend I should be taking the pregnancy test. Maybe I can find a walk-in clinic down there that will do a blood test for me. Or maybe I should just try to relax while I'm at the beach & deal with it all on Monday when we return.
I feel like it's happening very fast & I'm excited, hopeful & scared all at the same time. I know that the IUI is NOT a guarantee, but it definitely gives me a better chance of getting our baby. J fessed up last night that he's embarrassed by us doing the IUI. He thinks it's affecting his manhood & he "can't get the job done". I've only told my closest girlfriends, but he hasn't told ANYONE except his parents. I feel bad for him, but I reminded him that that's how I've been feeling for 2 years. I think he finally understands. It makes me sad that he's feeling so bad about this. I told him that yes, it sucks, but it doesn't mean that we can't make the most of it. I want the conception of our child to be a positive and happy event. Not one that we are dreading and feel lousy about.
I went to my day 12 appointment on Tuesday & they did an ultrasound & more bloodwork. I have 1 maturing follicle in my right ovary that was 19mm (that's almost 2 centimeters!) & my lining was 8mm. They said everything looks great & I'm responding really well to the clomid. My nurse said I'll get my surge when the follicle is around 25mm. They grow about 2mm per day, so it should be big enough by Friday & I should get a positive on my OPK (a smiley face, since I use digital ones).
Once I get the smiley face, I have to call & they'll schedule the IUI for the following day. But, if I haven't gotten a positive by Saturday morning, to call them & they'll give me a "trigger" shot (HCG- 10,000iu) to force my egg out of the follicle. Then the next day, I'll get turkey basted. So, the absolute latest I'll get the IUI will be Sunday!
Once I get the IUI, I have to go in seven days later to check my progesterone levels, then seven days after that, i get to take a pregnancy test! It's making me nervous though, because we will be in St. Pete for a wedding, the weekend I should be taking the pregnancy test. Maybe I can find a walk-in clinic down there that will do a blood test for me. Or maybe I should just try to relax while I'm at the beach & deal with it all on Monday when we return.
I feel like it's happening very fast & I'm excited, hopeful & scared all at the same time. I know that the IUI is NOT a guarantee, but it definitely gives me a better chance of getting our baby. J fessed up last night that he's embarrassed by us doing the IUI. He thinks it's affecting his manhood & he "can't get the job done". I've only told my closest girlfriends, but he hasn't told ANYONE except his parents. I feel bad for him, but I reminded him that that's how I've been feeling for 2 years. I think he finally understands. It makes me sad that he's feeling so bad about this. I told him that yes, it sucks, but it doesn't mean that we can't make the most of it. I want the conception of our child to be a positive and happy event. Not one that we are dreading and feel lousy about.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Weekend re-cap
Well, we got the results of J's S/A- NORMAL! I feel so relieved that we're both OK (so far).
I go in tomorrow for my CD 12 ultrasound and lab work. I think they'll count my mature follicles on this one. Hopefully, there's more than one! Then I'll just have to wait for my smiley face on my OPK. Once I get that, I'll get the IUI the following day. Exciting!
This weekend was great! I took Friday off from work and we spent the day with friends at the stadium for the Brave's home opener. We grilled out, played games and listened to music. We had a blast & it was nice to do something fun and not think about anything important. The Brave's won, so that was an added bonus.
Saturday, we had to take Lady to the vet. She's getting SO big! I can't wait to get her spayed, though. I'm hoping that will calm her down a little bit. She's a crazy cat! That'll probably happen in May. She has to be 16-24 weeks old & she's only 10 weeks now.
Sunday, my mom came over & went to church with us. It was nice to have her there. She doesn't stay very long, though. I think she feels like she's imposing, but she isn't. I'm really close to my mom & I wish I could see her more often. We talk everyday on the phone, but it's not the same.
I go in tomorrow for my CD 12 ultrasound and lab work. I think they'll count my mature follicles on this one. Hopefully, there's more than one! Then I'll just have to wait for my smiley face on my OPK. Once I get that, I'll get the IUI the following day. Exciting!
This weekend was great! I took Friday off from work and we spent the day with friends at the stadium for the Brave's home opener. We grilled out, played games and listened to music. We had a blast & it was nice to do something fun and not think about anything important. The Brave's won, so that was an added bonus.
Saturday, we had to take Lady to the vet. She's getting SO big! I can't wait to get her spayed, though. I'm hoping that will calm her down a little bit. She's a crazy cat! That'll probably happen in May. She has to be 16-24 weeks old & she's only 10 weeks now.
Sunday, my mom came over & went to church with us. It was nice to have her there. She doesn't stay very long, though. I think she feels like she's imposing, but she isn't. I'm really close to my mom & I wish I could see her more often. We talk everyday on the phone, but it's not the same.
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