I'm a big meanie

I hurt J's feelings this morning and I feel terrible for it.  I didn't mean to. I'm just brutally honest and once I get going, I somehow get diarrhea of the mouth.  It's not my best quality.

Here's the short version of what happened:

We bought our mattress 4 months ago.  Well, with the purchase agreement (all $1500 worth), we had 99 days to change our mind. On day 98, J stood firm in his decision to keep it. Knowing he has a bad back, I kept my uncertainty to myself, because I want him to step up in the decision making aspect of our marriage. So, I left it completely up to him, since he's the one with back issues. I made him promise that once we passed the deadline, I didn't want to hear how his back hurts EVERY morning for the next 5 years. He agreed.

So the first words out of J's mouth this morning were "I think we need to get a new bed" (he's been in pain for the past 4 days). Let me tell you- I flipped my shit. Not because of the bed itself, but because it's just one more example of how he has a VERY difficult time with decision making. He second guesses himself and he's very concerned with what other people think.

When he got his new car, he questioned if it was the best car for him. When he bought my engagement ring (which is gorgeous), he compared it to other women's rings for AT LEAST a year & wondered if he got the best deal. He just got a tattoo & he literally stood in the mirror for 20 mins looking for flaws. It seems like he looks for flaws in EVERYTHING. Who does that?? DRIVES ME INSANE. It's ridiculous!  I ask him all the time if he questions his decision to marry me & that he'll probably want to trade me in for a better model someday. I also told him that when our baby comes, he's probably going to want to send it back, because he/she won't be exactly what he was hoping for. I just wish that he could be happy and confident in his decisions. It's such a turn off to me.

I unloaded my thoughts on how I think he needs to be more confident and be the man in our marriage. Yep- I was a bitch. And I feel awful. Because I'm not a bitch and I hurt him- bad. I've apologized and I think we've worked it out, but I still feel 2 inches tall. I don't know how to show him that his constant discontent makes me feel frustrated without hurting him. 

I'm really going to try to work on biting my tongue.  It's so hard, though, when I feel SO strongly on an issue. I'm not the type to keep my mouth shut & shove things under the rug. I come at it head on.

I think I'm done venting. I'm going to go hide under my rock now.