OK...here goes....

I wanted a place to talk about stuff that's on my mind without feeling like I'm being judged, or wondreing if anyone gets it.  I have lots of thoughts about marriage, friendships, fertility (or the lack of), and just life in general. My hubby, J gets frustrated because he says I'm always thinking & worrying. So, instead of bugging him with all my craziness, I'll quietly put those thoughts/ideas here. I want (need) a place to call my very own.   

I am in my early 30's and I've been married for nearly 3 years, and we've been together for 5. Valentine's Day (today) was our very first date, so that's the ONLY reason I recognize this stupid (yeah, I said it) holiday. Hubby and I do everything, it seems, on important dates....1st date- Valentine's Day; day he proposed- April Fool's Day (fitting, I know); wedding anniversary- Flag Day. We're just cooky like that, I guess. 

Everyone tells you that the first year of marriage is the hardest, & TRUST ME-IT'S TRUE!  We were actually considering divorce 3 months after our most blissful day. Of course, when two very independent people live in a 500 sq. ft. box, they're bound to drive each other nutso. Believe me, that was not our choice, but because he owned the place when we got together, we had to stick it out. We did that for 3.5 years!  It was HELL. But we survived and are now proud renter's of a 3BR, 2.5BA home. Yes, we are renters. We were also finally able to rent out the box we were suffering in.  We're in a good place (for a few years, at least). We're also in a great place in our marriage. We're growing as individuals and as a couple. He's my rock & I'd be lost without him.

We want babies. BAD. Unfortunately, I'm not exactly Mrs. Fertile Myrtle. It's been a tough road, but we are getting there. I found out I was pregnant in December of 2008, but it turned out to be a "chemical pregnancy" (the egg was fertilized, but didn't implant). Then in March, 2009, I found out I was pregnant again.  I was scared and was not excited AT ALL. Mostly because at that time, there seemed to be no way out of our crappy living arrangements, and I had zero space for a baby. I FREAKED. Looking back, I feel so guilty for not being happy and excited. The pregnancy ended up being an ectopic (it was in my left ovary) and I had to get 2 rounds of methotrexate to terminate the pregnancy. That was the hardest thing I think I have ever gone through. I felt awful for having to kill my baby, even though I knew it wasn't viable. All sorts of "what-if's" go through your mind. I questioned if maybe, just maybe, the doctor was wrong?! I don't believe in abortion, and the whole process went against that belief. I knew that it was for my own safety, though. The biggest struggle I've had with it is wondering WHY. Why did my body not work correctly? Was it something I did to cause it? Am I to blame?  I felt like a failure. It's something I'm still dealing with, but it's getting easier.

Fast forward to almost 2 years later & I learned that I don't ovulate correctly, if at all. After talking to my Dr., we decided to try clomid. I have done 2 rounds and I'm currently in my 2nd TWW on this drug. The clomid is working, but we just have to get the timing right....so far I think we're doing ok, but I won't know for sure until the end of this month...I'll keep ya posted on the outcome, for sure!

So, I hope that you enjoy learning about our crazy lives!